May 9, 2015 – Routine

I skipped the Miracle Morning yesterday and I noticed it throughout the day. I can see that I am coming to rely on the routine and I feel like it’s a great way to start your day with a win. Not doing it left me feeling quite ungrounded and anxious throughout the day. I’m sure the anxiety is related to the conversation we’re going to have with the girls on Sunday. Actually, I’m writing this at 3:55 am and I’ve been awake for an hour and a half.

I hit a record time on my way home on Friday. I was reading one of my favourite blogs at lunch and Jim inspired me to leave nothing on the table on the way home so I dropped the hammer. I usually push fairly hard but I took it up a notch and managed to shave 91 seconds off my best time. I also completed another milestone – I smashed the 50 minute mark. My heartrate was over 170 bpm for most of the way home. It was gloriously hot which energizes me like nothing else. My next goal is to consistently average over 40kph. I’m hoping that is something that is achievable this year. I still have 5 months of cycling in which to achieve it. So far this year, since March 16, I’ve gone ridden about 1600km which is well on my way to beating my target of 5000km.

I managed to get a lot done yesterday. I rode my hybrid bike about 35km throughout the day. Going to the gym, riding with my wife to school a few times, going to the bank. As time passes I hate having a car more and more. It’s such a money pit and is unrepresentative of the kind life I want to lead. Unfortunately our current locale makes at least one car a requirement but we are making a concerted effort to have only one car this summer. It’s a good motivator to ride my bike to work each day. Actually – I’m at 275km for the week so if I can manage to squeeze in a quick ride today I will be able to get over 300km for the week which I think would be my best week ever. Until next week J We’re going camping on the weekend for 1 night – which is my limit as I LOATHE camping. The campground is about 70km away so Tanja will drive the girls and I will ride. I have a 100ikm route planned which would be my first time riding that distance this year. Actually it will be only my second time doing that distance. I’m really looking forward to it.

As I was driving my hybrid Trek around town yesterday I was absolutely amazed at what a tank it is. My Cannondale weighs about 16.6 pounds and the Trek is about 24ish. The Trek is a decent hybrid bike and well suited for its purpose but the Cannondale is a freakin’ Ferrari. I was reading one of Jim’s posts about riding saddles and the man speaks the truth. The hybrid has a much more cloud-like seat. Not ridiculous by any means but nothing like the fi’zi:k saddle. Needless to say, the fi’zi:k saddle is in another world of comfort despite looking damn tiny and uncomfortable.

Chloe had her competitive cheer tryouts for the 2015 season. She was so upset with how things went. I thought they went great but she is so passionate about this that because it didn’t go exactly like she expected she assumes she blew it. Despite winning the MVP for year team 1 week ago! She has a tendency to look at situations where she has incomplete information or not enough context and then fill in the gaps with the worst possible things that could happen and then construct a scenario where the outcomes are bad. I was the same way as a kid. I think we talked her off the ledge and I’m sure she’ll be placed on the team she wants. She is a rock star when it comes to this stuff. Honestly, I’d much rather try to pep talk a kid that is super passionate then talk some sense into a kid that is apathetic.

Sunday is the day we sit down and have our very important conversation with the girls about their biological mother. I’m normally cool as a cucumber but as the time approaches I’m feeling a little wound up. Stay tuned…

May 7, 2015 – It’s Time

We decided that is it time to have a conversation with the girls about how their mother died. They have a certain level of understanding about how she died but they do not know that she committed suicide. One of the reasons is that we want to reassure the kids, mostly Chloe, that Tanja and I are not going to split up. They obviously remember that Cindy and I were separated at the time of her death. If Tanja and I even disagree with each other Chloe can worry that we’re going to separate as well.

I’ve talked to her about this before but because I didn’t feel like she was old enough I had to tailor the message in a way that is no longer good enough. What I’ve said in the past is that what happened to me and Mommy In Heaven will not happen with me and Mommy. I’ve asked her to trust me that we will tell her when the time is right. We’ve decided to tackle this by letting the kids take the lead on the conversation by asking questions and we’ll answer them honestly. That way they can consume the information in a manner that makes sense for them. The first question will obviously be, “Why did you in Mommy In Heaven split up”? This will lead to conversations about mental illness and bipolar disorder. I can’t see it being too much further into the conversation before we get to the Big Reveal.

I’m not worried about this conversation at all. I obviously don’t know exactly how it’s going to go but I’m very confident that Tanja and I will handle it just fine. This is just the start. We’ll talk about it for as long as they want or need to and we’ll always be available to talk about it from now on. We decided to have this conversation on Sunday – which also happens to be Mother’s Day. How loaded with symbolism is that?

On another note – I set a personal best on my ride home yesterday. 50:15. I was pumped about that!!! My big goal for this ride is to get into the 49’s. I actually would have done it yesterday save for some construction which slowed me down on the way home. It sure feels great when everything comes together on a ride. When I started doing this last year my times were around 1 hour and 10 minutes so that’s 20 minutes off. That’s a lot of miles on the bike (for me) and having a full carbon fiber bike don’t hurt either!

I am so into the Miracle Morning it’s unbelievable. I set the silent alarm on my FitBit for 4:30 am. Sometimes I’m awake and other times I’m not. Sometimes I wake up and think – ugh, I’m not into this today. But that thought is quickly replaced by, “The guy I want to be would get his ass up”. I’m also cognizant of the fact that this routine is working for me in a very powerful way and if I start skipping it now my progress will be put at risk. So why would I stop?

May 6, 2015 – Inverting Introversion by Taking Time

Last week I mentioned that I was going to start having regular conversations with the person that worked for me – the one is extremely introverted. I sent her a recurring meeting request for 15 minutes each week with the description, “Trust Me”. When she walked into my office she looked somewhat….let’s say…..skeptical and nervous. I asked her to close the door and I described what I was hoping to do which was basically, “I care about you as a human being and I want us to take positive action together. So I’d like to spend time together each week talking about things that you do not typically talk about. I was thinking that today we could talk about our childhoods”. I asked her if this seemed strange to her but she was clearly very open to the idea.

We ended up spending a half an hour talking about everything from the death of her father at 3 years old to my experience the other day of meditating and feeling the presence of Cindy. I was also very open with her that I really debated in my mind whether to have these conversations with her but in the end, the person I would want to be would do it – so I did it. It was such a wonderful way to start the work day. She was more open, engaged and lively that I have seen her. I love it!!!!!

I was listening to a podcast the on the way home and I’m going to start doing a few little things each morning to take some positive actions that are small but will contribute to my feeling like accomplished something. I’m going to make my bed. I just have a duvet (German wife) so this action will literally take 12 seconds. The other one is that I’m going to write on the board hanging on my daughter’s door. She really wants me too and I want her to see an uplifting note from Daddy each morning when she gets up. I know that she is going to check for it as soon as she opens her door.

Yesterday was so glorious weather-wise!!! 25 degrees, not too windy and sunny. It was the first time I’ve gotten off my bike drenched in sweat. I love that feeling so much. It wasn’t too windy either. I rode back and forth to work. I averaged 30.36 kph on the way there and 31.84 kph on the way back. I’ve ridden my bike about 1400km since March 16. I’m well on my way to smashing my goal of 5000km for the year. I’m curious what I will end up at. I’m planning to do my first club ride ever this weekend so I’m looking forward to reporting back on that. Tomorrow is supposed to be warmer still.

All in all – a glorious day.

May 5, 2015 – The Person I Want to Be

I’ve been practicing a simple exercise lately where when I am confronted with situations throughout the day I asked myself, “How would the person I want to be handle this”? For example, normal Jay procrastinates about things he doesn’t care about. Like renewing the license plate sticker on my car. As a stark raving libertarian the idea of going into a government office to interact with a person whose job is to take my money drives me slightly batty. However, my wife also drives the car and not having the sticker up to date stresses her out. I got it done yesterday and one of the methods I used to do it was telling myself that the person I want to be would not knowingly do anything to cause my wife stress. Granted I was still late in doing it but I was much less late than in the past J I’m finding that checking my actions against the actions of the person I want to be is a good reminder throughout the day to be positive and make a conscious effort to make my interactions with people a win-win.

I felt very good about offering to help a friend yesterday. Without going into all the details to protect the innocent, I used some of my expertise and connections to coach him on how to set himself apart from his competition in a job hunt. It’s important to realize what this job means. He is currently working far out of town on a contract and hardly ever sits down for dinner with his family due to the fact that he gets home so late. My best friend happens to be in a leadership position in the place he is applying for. Connections don’t get much better than that. I’ve been pushing this guy to set any pride aside and leverage his network (me in this case) to help him. That’s the way that the world works and that’s one of the reasons you build a network in the first place. I’ve also been pushing him to follow up with the company and make him understand how competitive the marketplace is and the importance of differentiating yourself from the competition. Most importantly I’ve reminded him a number of times that this is not about a job. This is about his family. Go after this opportunity for what it is – a chance to be with your wife and kids instead of sitting in a car alone – every. single. day. I know he appreciates what I’m doing despite the fact that I’m irritating and pushy. His wife emailed me last night and told me that I’m wonderful. That felt good.

I’ve noticed that the Miracle Morning is best done in order as specified in the book because the activities seem to work synergistically. Over the weekend I had mixed them up and didn’t do them all at the same time and I noticed that I didn’t feel grounded during the day. Grounded? I sound like a hippie! So I went back to it today and it felt much better.

Listening to some of the podcasts I’ve been listening too – Achieve Your Goals and Smart Passive Income – keeps reinforcing that I need to take positive action. So for example, I am thinking that I might ditch this blog and start a new with the objective of building a brand. I think that would be a really cool exercise to go through to understand how that all works. This way I still have a creative outlet but I can combine another personal growth exercise with it. This would of course mean that I would have to actually proofread my posts before I publish them. That would also probably be a good thing to get better at. Regardless, I think I have a fun idea that I could try to build a brand around.

The other thing I think I am going to do as a social experiment is to take a couple of chairs to the park downtown with a board with a big sign on it that says, “Free Encouragement” or something to that effect. I need to think about that a little more. I’d love to see what happens. I might end up sitting there for a few hours and talk to no one. But I bet a few people would sit down and it would be a great opportunity to expand my network, create some human contact and do some good in the world. The point is that it is a positive action. That will happen soon. I need to roll it around in my mind a little more.

I had some wonderful conversation with The Senior German (my father in law) last night. We talked for a long time. He has a lot of experience and wisdom to pass along and I love to soak it up like an over engineered German sponge.

Tomorrow I’m going to listen to a new podcast on the bike ride to work – the Art of Charm. Can’t wait.

May 5, 2014 – Purpose

I had a technical difficulty yesterday and my lovely daily blog post was quickly and unceremoniously erased by the blue screen of death. I didn’t know that actually still happened. I think I will rewrite that one because it’s important. I want to write down what I learned about purpose in the last few months. I learned this from my wife.

We send our kids to a Waldorf school in London, Ontario. We’ve chosen to do this for many reasons and we couldn’t be happier. It’s the right place for our children and it’s the right place for our family. My wife has embraced everything about the school from the philosophy behind it to the community of people. She goes to reading groups, attends yoga and meditation classes, and participates in financial conversations at the school. She is all in. I tend to look at the tuition as my contribution. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to realize Tanja’s approach is more nourishing for the soul.

Every year in May there is a festival at the school called Mayfair. The Grade 4 class does a performance and then it is filled with fun and games. A great time is always had by all. All this fun takes a lot of work in planning. Tanja was part of the team that did the planning. This year was much more than just planning. It started by reimagining what Mayfair could be and taking an honest look at if there were any existing paradigms and believes that could be discarded. This caused some serious consternation within the group. Change can be scary. Mayfair is also a big fundraiser for the school which needs every penny it can get so the consequences of coming up with a concept that didn’t resonate with the audience could be serious.

Naturally the group came to a consensus and the ball got rolling. I won’t go into all the details of the planning – mostly because I don’t know them. I am in no way to trying to minimize the herculean effort of everyone else involved either. It’s just that Tanja is my wife and she is one of my favourite people to talk about. I really want to talk about how amazing it was to watch Tanja work her magic. She poured her heart and soul into this for months. From writing brilliant copy for the communications, to making signs to hand chopping 3 million heads of lettuce for salads – she did it all.

She was committed to levelling Mayfair up. She helped create an event where more people came, they ate better food and everything was grounded in love. During the last few days she put in a one 17 hour day and on the day of the event she probably worked another 12. What a success it was! There were tons of people having a wonderful time. All the volunteers knew were they needed to be and when and were committed to what they were doing. There were many times I stopped and looked around me and was simply blown away by the fact that Tanja helped created something that created so much good for everyone involved. We had at least 3 families express interest in joining the school, the kids had a memorable day and Melody talked to me afterwards and told me she couldn’t believe Mommy did this.

I guess my point is that this is what you can accomplish when you have a purpose. Not just a task or target, but a purpose. Tanja didn’t just create an event. She added beauty to the universe. She grew and nurtured our community. She filled people’s bellies with food made by hand and with love. She created a sense of abundance and people repaid that abundance in spades. Those are the things that are important to her and she never lost sight of what she was trying to create and why. That is purpose and when you have clarity of purpose and commitment to execution we are capable of achieving anything.

I’m damn lucky to be married to someone that reminds me of this. It makes me be better.

May 2, 2015 – Feeling her presence

This was the first day where it truly started to feel like summer. It got to about 24 degrees and was gloriously sunny. I kinda mixed up my Morning Miracle routine but I did get it all done. I realized that I prefer doing it all at once but this is a busy weekend so some concessions needed to be made.

I did have quite a powerful and unexpected moment when I was meditating in the morning. Cindy appeared in my mind and I swear I could feel her presence. I’ve never felt this before and it was quite unexpected but it gave me an opportunity to say some things that I had never said. I felt like she was at peace and was happy for me. Was she really there? I guess it doesn’t matter one way or the other but I felt a real sense of calm afterwards. Weird. It reaffirms my believe that meditation has the potential to help me realize significant changes in my life

I woke up at my typical 4:30 and was at the gym for 5:45 for a workout. Later in the afternoon I went for a 28k bike ride. I bought a new helmet yesterday – more on that in another post. I decided to tackle Snake Hill – ooooohhhhhh scary sounding. It’s one of the steeper hills in London. I did it 5 times and my elevation summary from MapMyRun looks a bit like something a drunken Scotsman might mistake for Nellie. My helmet performed brilliantly and I felt quite strong. I’m going to do that more often.

My beautiful wife has been engrossed in planning our school’s Maryfair festival. It’s an annual event and she has really thrown her heart and soul into creating something truly wonderful and levelling it up from years past. It’s been wonderful to see. I ran some errands yesterday to support her. I function best in these situations when I am given clear and specific instructions. Issuing one instruction at a time is also contributes to a preferable result.

I think my most meaningful part of the day was talking to Chloe about her upcoming cheer tryouts for next year. She wants so badly to make it on to the next level team. SO BADLY. She has this tendency to analyze the hell out of everything but sometimes it’s from a negative perspective. Usually when it is something she feels stressed about. In other words, she spends a lot of time thinking about what can go wrong. To get onto the next team she has to be able to do a back handspring. She is so close to getting it. In her head it’s very simple – no back handspring, no moving up so she’s already defeated in her head. This is not to say she is not working her ass off – she is. We had a long conversation about visualizing success and how getting wrapped up in negative thoughts has a tendency to make them come true. I told her to picture herself on Blaze (the team she wants). Picture herself winning competitions with them and what that would feel like. Picture how you are going to feel when you find out that you’ve made it. We also talked about different ways of looking at it. Again, to her – no back handspring, no Blaze. So I pointed out that:

• She just won the MVP for her team
• She brings her A game every, single time. Always.
• She is soooooo close to getting her back handspring
• Her coaches love her
• She’s in a tumbling class starting right after tryouts where I’m sure she will get it
• The first competition is not even until November.

You get the idea. I also told her that instead of moping around she should get working to give herself the best chance possible. Which led to her busting her ass for 45 minutes. I would tell her what to do and she would do it and respond with, “Make it harder.” She pretty much collapsed when she was done. I’m so proud of her.

I didn’t feel overly productive and spent a lot of time enjoying the sun but it was a great day overall.

 

 

April 30, 2015

Yesterday was an interesting day. I did the Miracle Morning which went well. I tried a Guided Meditation because of the podcast I listened to the day before. I think I like that better as having something to focus on is helpful for me right now. Perhaps as a meditate more I will get to the point where I can do it in silence. Or perhaps I’ll just intermingle both methods. Who knows?

I scheduled a weekly 15 minute chat with the lady on my team I’ve been mentioning. I’m curious to see how it goes. I think the first one I’ll just facilitate a conversation about our upbringings. If I can get to know her while supporting her in coming out of her shell then I think we’ve got a win-win on our hands and that’s really what it’s all about.

I had a good ride to work in the morning – very little wind and I averaged 32kph which is decent considering I have a lot of clothing and a backpack on. I get happy with anything under 55 minutes. I will break into the 49’s though. I’m actually looking at my rear cassette which has 10 speeds and I’m starting to think I’d like my highest gear to be a little taller. Maybe I’ll leave that for next year so my wife, who I am grateful for, doesn’t kill me.

I listened to music on the way in and found it very irritating actually. I think I’m going to listen to podcasts from now on. I’ve been enjoying Hal Elrod’s Achieve Your Goals podcast and I’m going to try the Smart Passive Income podcast as well. I find it very inspiring and uplifting.

I had a work offsite where I went to dinner with the rest of the leadership team from my organization. My big take away from that was that I need to actively work to raise the level of my peer group and circle of influence. I thought about that most of the time I was there actually. I also got a ride back home because it was pouring rain and I didn’t have time to make it to the dinner if I rode my bike. I am normally not a rain wuss. I want that on the record.

I fell asleep with my wife listening to a guided meditation. I actually wanted to do that when I got home. That was the first time I can ever remember being able to recognize that I was not feeling grounded. It was quite a lovely way to drift off to dreamland

April 29, 2015 – Doing a Little Good feels Great.

Yesterday was a great day and I had more moments of consciously choosing how I was going to think about certain situations which I can see is going to become a very powerful tool for achieving my goals.

After completing my meditation in the morning and thinking about that fact that I find it a challenge I looked at my phone and was looking for a new podcasts that were available. Hal Elrod’s Achieve Your Goals podcast had a new episode on meditation and what it can bring to your life. Coincidence? I think not!!

I biked back and forth to work yesterday as you can see from my excellent selfie. The ride there was great but there seems to be a brutal north wind the last week or so which means my ride home is a little more challenging. I never mind it though because it only improves my level of fitness. I can feel myself coping with the wind a little better each day. I’m still on the mend from whatever illness I had on the weekend so I was pretty exhausted when I got home. But happy.

I made my list of commitments in Trello for both work and my personal life and I felt quite good about it. I knocked a couple of things off the list – one which I’ve been letting linger for a while now. I added a couple of things on my personal to-do list. One of them is getting a new clip for the basket on my wife’s bike. I’ve been procrastinating about this forever for some reason. Last night I was lying in bed thinking that the person that I want to be would never let something like that linger so I am committed to getting that done this weekend. Baby steps J

I took my daughter to her dance class yesterday. We have friends that are going through a very difficult time with their separation. It’s really sad to see and it’s obviously impacting their kids. Melody and I were talking about it on the way to dance and I decided to buy the mom a beautiful bouquet of flowers and drop them off while Mel was at dance. I felt really good about that and I’m sure it added some happiness to her life.

Melody absolutely kicked butt at her dance class so I took her for an ice cream afterwards. But I didn’t say, “Wanna go for an ice cream”? I looked her in the eyes and said, “You were amazing in there and I’m so proud of you. Can I take you on a daddy-daughter ice cream date? Just the two of us”?

I had a really nice moment at work the other day. My HR guy was reading my performance review of the lady I mentioned in my post the other day. I had written some very non-traditional things about how I cared about her happiness and joy etc. He came up to me and said, “Wow. You are a transformational leader”. I don’t know about that but it was damn nice to hear!

I have been thinking about how to help the lady at work I mentioned the other day and I had an insight last night. I was thinking that I was going to challenge her to come out of her shell by having her do some presentations etc. to the team. I am still going to do that. But I’m going to take it to the next level. I’m going to schedule a time with her every week where we can talk about our hopes, dreams and fears together. She’s Mexican so it will help her practice her English but it will do more than that. I bet it’s going to do much more than that. Scheduling that time is going to be my commitment for the day.

April 29, 2015

Well here I am on day 2 of my one month commitment to the Miracle Morning. Yesterday was interesting. I performed the routine in the morning and I will say it did help me throughout the day but honestly I was expecting something a little more miraculous – which is probably a little silly. Having said that, I should look at those moments where I consciously chose to live my affirmations, and there were a few, as mini-miracles.

I had that conversation I mentioned yesterday during the performance review and it was quite meaningful. She was very surprised to hear me say that I had no interest in doing a traditional performance review and that I wanted to talk to her human being to human being and that I cared about her personal development. I also told her that I believed I had failed her as a leader up until this point and that that bothered me greatly but that I was committing to changing that from today forward. You know, when I read that I think I’m going to take that as a mini-miracle. I will do everything I can to help her come out of her shell and reach her potential.

I rode my bike 60km yesterday to work and back. I absolutely love riding my bike to work. It’s finally supposed to start getting warmer in the mornings this week so my attire will be less complicated. Soon there will be no need for bundling up in the morning and then carrying it all home in the afternoon. I was still sick from the weekend so my bike ride was pretty exhausting and I was whipped when I got home. Normally I find it completely energizing. My record time so far is 52:12 but with feeling like crap and a vile headwind on the way home that record wasn’t going to fall.

I realized over the last 2 morning that I suck at 2 things – meditation and visualization. I choose to see them as opportunities for improvement because I logically know their value and power if I incorporate them into my life. With meditation my mind pretty much races all the way through it and in fact today is worse than yesterday. I will continue to practice this and I will do some reading on how to practice this more effectively.

Today I’m going to ride my bike to work again – I do this most days. I will also develop a way of tracking my commitments to others as well as others commitments to me. I’m normally a board and sticky notes kind of guy but I’m also a minimalist neat freak when it comes to my office. So I think I will use Trello which is a great free online tool for tracking tasks and their statuses. One thing I really don’t like is forgetting when I have committed something to someone or being late. The same applies when someone commits something to me. So I think my mini-miracle today will be solving that problem once and for all.

Until tomorrow!!

To be honest with others you must be honest with yourself

One of the really interesting and enlightening things about shunning the screech is realizing over time how completely and pervasively I was lying to myself which when you think about it means I was lying to everyone around me. Some of it was probably intentional and some of it really wasn’t at all. It was a by-product of all spider web of rationalizations I had spun to justify my behaviour to myself. I tried to quit drinking a million times as I’ve mentioned before so I clearly wanted to change and knew it was a problem. My willingness to admit that was usually related to which day you caught me on or how long it had been since I had done something dumb while wasted.

I would actually consider it a success if I went socializing, got drunk and woke up in the morning and hadn’t said or done something stupid. That was my version of success when it came to drinking. That is not success. That is completely and utterly fucked up. But it seemed like success because hey – maybe if I can pull that off more often I can postpone the inevitable when this comes to a head and I have to deal with it.

I feel like I have to point out that there are people that were far worse off than me. It’s not an excuse or anything – I drank far too much too often. For some reason I felt like I needed to point that out lest you think I was lying face down in a ditch every night. Face down in bed – hell yes. A ditch? That’s for those dirty alcoholics!

I guess my point is that when I was finally able to see reality clearly it was so obvious to me all the mental tricks I had been using to justify my drinking. When you boil them all down to their most basic form they are lies. So if your relationship with yourself is at least partially based on lies how in the world would it be possible to have a relationship based on total truth and honesty with your wife? We had a relationship built on a lot of truth for sure but that’s not something that either of us is willing to settle for because it’s nowhere near good enough.

Once I stopped drinking Tanja was also finally able to verbalize her truths as well. Like how much my drinking stressed her out and caused her emotional grief. She would definitely tell me to a certain level but I think the risk of putting it all out there and have me ignore it was too great. What would have happened then? Pretty scary to think about. But hearing her say countless times how happy she was that I stopped drinking drove the point home pretty well.

I like to think of things in terms of the opportunity cost. Every moment I spent rationalizing my drinking, thinking about drinking, thinking about quitting, thinking about being hungover, thinking about who I upset – was a moment I wasn’t thinking about how to love my wife better, be a better father, perform at a higher level at work, get fitter etc. So when you get rid of all those incredibly consuming activities you realize that you have an awful lot of time on your hands to be better. Of course you need to seize those moments but that’s a subject for another post. I think I may have digressed a bit there.

After a while the most beautiful thing happened. Our relationship just kept getting better. And better. And better. And it will continue to get better. Because when you strip away the lies you are left with truth. And to the fellas out there – truth can be pretty damn romantic. In all seriousness, lying in bed and talking to your wife about each other’s hopes and dreams and fears is infinitely better than lying in bed listening to her tell you how worried she is about your drinking.

I really hope these posts are a help to anyone that reads them. They are to me.